But I digress. I bought an Easter egg filled with Sugar Babies candies. I had to turn my car off to use my keys to break open the plastic wrap. I was desperate for food at that moment. As soon as I started eating them, I remember spending summer days at the Knights of Columbus swimming pool as a kid. That was the one candy that I always got there. That and Milk Duds.
God help me if I had a bartender dressed up like this on Halloween. No wonder this lady only has ones in her grubby fist. First bring out the hot guy and make sure he's in a thong. And make sure you have plenty of that Malibu Rum back there. Dammit!
See, this is one of those times that I get nervous posting on a blog. But what fascinates me is how early on my personality and behaviors were ingrained in me. My favorite part of going to the pool was not seeing my friends or splashing in the pool. No, I know what I wanted. I hung around the locker room to see as much dick as I could take in. Now, having sniffed enough amyl nitrate in my lifetime to kill the brain cells of a small African country's entire population, I can tell you accurately that this is the same feeling I got when I spotted dick. I get light headed and euphoric, a little dizzy and weak at the knees. I suppose it's those brain chemicals pumping into my blood.
I was like that at age 8, age 13, 14, 15, 16 and 17. During those years,I had about one experience per year where I got to see some dick. I was like this through my twenties, thirties and I am like this today, at age 41. I have had this conversation with some of my gay male friends, and several of them can't believe I actually look when I am at a urinal. You betcha! These friends swear they don't look anywhere but down, at their own pee escaping down the drain. I don't know if this makes me strange, but man, if a straight guy got a chance to see a woman's breasts, I am sure he would do anything he needed to.
For example, straight guys: if you were in a dressing room shared by both sexes, and you looked at the half door across from you and saw a woman's bare shoulders, would not your first thought be, "She's not wearing a bra!!!!" And if you knew that you could discreetly look over the dressing room door to catch a peek at said breasts, would you not take that chance? See, I think this is a guy thing. Not all guys are wired this way, but I am and I think a lot of other guys are too, gay or straight.
And since it is also a thing about guys that they tend to be more visually oriented (i.e., porn addiction), here is something I found for the het men. Now what if you saw THESE bare shoulders?
So today, I had to be at work by 6AM to make copies of a flyer I needed to take to an event at 7AM. Afterward, I had a breakfast only a hospital can make. I have worked at hospitals my entire adult career. I love hospital cafeteria food. Scrambled eggs made from some non-egg mixture, crisp bacon and this potato stick thing. But as soon as I heard it was a potato thing, I ordered it. And a pint of chocolate milk. I was in heaven. And I also had to pee before driving back to the office.
So I stopped in the bathroom by the coffee stand. I grab one of the higher height urinals and let go. Shoot, all this reminds me of another post I need to do. My brain goes a mile a minute with thoughts that until this blog, I had no way of capturing. So I am at the urinal and a guy in scrubs goes to the urinal next to me. I recognized him from the lecture I was just at. Nothing spectacular, but a cute guy. The partition between us, which hit me just below my shoulder, was no match for me.
Maybe this is how I AM different from other guys. Instead of being discreet, like the straight guy in my dressing room example above, I get determined to get a peek no matter what. As you can imagine, I have many less-than-discreet moves and techniques I use. Today, I determined that the height of the urinal was not so high that I couldn't visually scale it. So I did my "Oh yeah, I am so freaking big that I have flip it off my shoulder to get the last dribble out" manuever. This involves moving forward on the balls of my feet, shaking my right arm to replicate the shaking motion all guys do at the end, and then finally, lifting up about six inches or more and using my God-given gift of keen peripheral vision.
And there I am. Again. In the men's changing room at the Knights of Columbus pool on the hottest day in July, 1977. Since I know my sweetie is reading this and will be thinking, "Oh my god, is there nothing he won't say??" I am going to actually show some decorum and not describe the sight I saw. Again, nothing spectacular. And nevertheless, still stunning and speech-robbing. It was a dick.
Drew
Straight men: post your comments! What would you do if you had the chance to sneak a peek at a topless woman in a dressing room? Would you do it or keep your head and eyes down?
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